My little sister made this for me when I was in High School. It was around the first few times I discovered how low I could get, how close to the ground I'd want to be. I was 16 or 17, which would have made her 6 or 7 years old at the time. I had been in bed for 3 days, only really unlocking and opening my door to use the bathroom or brush my teeth. I remember hearing her knock on the door and asking her to go away, only to find a few hours later when I made a trip to the bathroom, this had been slipped under my door. I immediately felt guilty and grateful at the same time. Grateful that I had a family tolerating every action I made to avoid the forward movement of being alive at 17, but guilty that I had a little sister too smart to fool that I was "just tired".
I think too often, as humans, we lose sight of the influence we have on others and let the selfishness of our own suffering effect our tolerance with those who are able to wake up without wanting to go back to sleep. Until I was given this drawing, I had blocked out the fact that others could see what was happening. I had my father handing me one hundred dollars a week to talk to a stranger for an hour, while my mother was cooking for three instead of four. It was comforting to know that when I finally woke up, and got dressed, and turned the lights back on, I had more than one pair of open arms to welcome me home.
And this, this idea of others watching and others standing near no matter what, has finally hit me, and I can no longer depend on the option of deciding when I do or do not die. I've come so close to suicide too many times to count, and the fact that I have never followed through was always because I thought I "wasn't ready", never knowing because subconciously, I could never do it to those who have stuck around this long.
My little sister is 12 now, and the other day while I was applying blush along the lines of her cheekbones, she grabbed my left wrist, only to find day old wounds. I quickly tore my wrist away and tried to change the subject, like I do every time a new set of eyes focuses on that one section of pale skin scarred and sometimes fresh, but she didn't need answers. She simply wrapped each arm around my neck and we sat there for a few seconds. It was a confirmation between the both of us that I will not leave, but sometimes I can't help but hurt, and from the very beginning, from the time that the picture above was drawn, she has continued to love me without judgment. The fact that someone with so few years of life experience behind their belt can give a sense of hope and wellness is a miracle. And, in my case, lifesaving.
I think too often, as humans, we lose sight of the influence we have on others and let the selfishness of our own suffering effect our tolerance with those who are able to wake up without wanting to go back to sleep. Until I was given this drawing, I had blocked out the fact that others could see what was happening. I had my father handing me one hundred dollars a week to talk to a stranger for an hour, while my mother was cooking for three instead of four. It was comforting to know that when I finally woke up, and got dressed, and turned the lights back on, I had more than one pair of open arms to welcome me home.
And this, this idea of others watching and others standing near no matter what, has finally hit me, and I can no longer depend on the option of deciding when I do or do not die. I've come so close to suicide too many times to count, and the fact that I have never followed through was always because I thought I "wasn't ready", never knowing because subconciously, I could never do it to those who have stuck around this long.
My little sister is 12 now, and the other day while I was applying blush along the lines of her cheekbones, she grabbed my left wrist, only to find day old wounds. I quickly tore my wrist away and tried to change the subject, like I do every time a new set of eyes focuses on that one section of pale skin scarred and sometimes fresh, but she didn't need answers. She simply wrapped each arm around my neck and we sat there for a few seconds. It was a confirmation between the both of us that I will not leave, but sometimes I can't help but hurt, and from the very beginning, from the time that the picture above was drawn, she has continued to love me without judgment. The fact that someone with so few years of life experience behind their belt can give a sense of hope and wellness is a miracle. And, in my case, lifesaving.
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